Awakening in the Middle of the Night: A Journey Back to My Soul

It’s the middle of the night, and I sit in silence, hoping the soft taps of my keyboard won’t wake my sleeping son. The world is quiet, but my mind is alive — stirring with thoughts, memories, and truths I can no longer keep hidden.

From as far back as I can remember, I knew I was different. I saw things others didn’t. I felt things more deeply. I never wanted to grow up — not because I didn’t want responsibility, but because I had already seen enough of adulthood to know something didn’t feel right. My aunt once said to my mother, “Patrick doesn’t want to grow up. He’s seen enough of adulthood.” And she was right.

Now, 46 years later, I realize I’ve been fighting that same battle ever since.

What exactly I’ve been through is difficult to pinpoint. It could’ve been the time I was trapped in a shed for what felt like an eternity when the key broke. It could’ve been the conditional love I did not received from my parents. The heartbreak of watching a partner kiss someone else right in front of me. The burn marks I carry. The deep loneliness of never being truly understood. Maybe it’s all of it. Maybe it’s more. Maybe...

I’ve spent a lifetime reacting to people’s reactions, molding myself to avoid conflict, to fit in, to be accepted. But that only led to further isolation. I was helping teachers with IT problems in school while being bullied outside of it. I was praised for being helpful, yet unseen for who I truly was.

I was — and still am — a sensitive soul.

And if only I had realized this sooner… maybe I would’ve embraced the beauty of my being rather than hide it. I’ve always known, deep inside, that we’re capable of more than we’re told — that we’re barely tapping into 10% of what we are. But life, with its conditional beliefs and societal limitations, tried to convince me otherwise.

Then came the awakening.

After my divorce eight years ago, something shifted. I started to see beyond the illusion. I refer to my old way of living as being in a “conditional mindset” — a sleep-like state inherited from generations before me. My grandparents lived through war, taught survival, passed down scarcity. My parents inherited it, and so did I. But when you see it — truly see it — there’s no going back.

Some call it a midlife crisis. But to me, that’s just a label. What I’ve experienced is an awakening. A breaking down of everything false to uncover what’s real. And it’s been one hell of a ride.

Along the way, I found unexpected help — from the universe, from divine energy, from God, and from the 72 Angels of Kabbalah. I was first introduced to them through angel numbers, these subtle nudges from the universe that appear when you're in tune. Now, when they’re absent, I feel strange — as if something’s missing. That’s how closely we’ve bonded.

Through them, I’ve come to see we are truly children of God — but not in the way we’ve been taught. We are God’s children because we are extensions of the Divine. We are the universe creating itself, learning and evolving with the guidance of the One. The angels of Kabbalah — the same guardians whispered about in religious texts — are real. They are here. And the truth wants to be known.

Even after eight years of walking this spiritual path, I don’t claim to have all the answers. But I try — every day — to trust the process, no matter how strange or difficult it seems. I find strength in the teachings of others like "Osho", or the story of Buddha, and in the whisper of Spirit reminding me: you are on the path.

My past no longer defines me. The trauma, the pain, the misunderstandings — they shaped me, yes. But they do not own me. I’ve chosen to be vigilant, to stay strong, and to keep learning with every step I take.

So to anyone reading this who feels lost, different, broken, or misunderstood — know this:

You are Love.

You are Light.

You are Truth.

You are Peace.

You are Balance.

You are Abundance.

And you’re not alone.

Santi.

Much love to you all.

— Patrick