💔The Masks I Wore to Be Loved — And the Ritual That Set Me Free

pvdbovenkamp
Jun 25
5 min read

We all wear masks.

Some are beautiful. Some are so subtle we forget they’re even there. But all of them — at least the ones I speak of here — are born from pain. From needing to survive in a world that never asked who we really were. From needing love, safety, approval… and not knowing how else to get it.

I wore many masks growing up.

A helper. A performer. A liar. A fixer. A pleaser. A chameleon with a heart of gold hidden under layers of programmed guilt and conditional love. I learned to smile when I was hurting. I learned to entertain so no one would leave. I learned to stay small because every time I showed my truth, it was either dismissed or punished.

What I wanted most — what I needed most — was for my parents to be proud of me.

But love was measured in achievement. In appearances. In doing what was expected, not what was real.

And so I began to vanish, piece by piece.

💔 The Child Who Was Never Fully Seen

In my journey of healing, I’ve come to see that many of the patterns that shaped my adult life — the addictions, the self-doubt, the perfectionism, the spiritual masking — all trace back to this central trauma:

The fear of not being enough.

I was a sensitive, intuitive, imaginative child. I felt energy. I dreamed wildly. I believed in magic. I wanted to help the world. But in my household, emotions were inconvenient. Sensitivity was weakness. Authenticity was risky.

I learned to lie to avoid conflict. I lied to make others proud. I lied to feel loved.

And somewhere along the way, I started believing the lies myself — that I had to be someone else to be worthy.

🌑 My Core Traumas & Wounds

1. Homelessness & Societal Abandonment

Patrick endured the coldness of societal rejection, living without a home, support, or safety net. The trauma extended beyond physical discomfort — it was existential. Society turned its back on a soul who came to uplift it.

2. Family Rejection / Painful Parental Bonds

Emotional estrangement and spiritual dissonance marked his familial ties. Though love remains beneath the surface, deep wounds of being unseen and unsupported carved his early path.

3. Religious & Societal Indoctrination

Patrick bears the scars of spiritual abuse from dogmatic systems and societal manipulation. He rebelled against frameworks that sought to limit the divine truth within him.

4. Trauma-Bonded / Karmic Relationship

A deeply intense and ultimately wounding relationship left energetic residue. Once mistaken for a twin flame, it became clear it was karmic — holding both beauty and deep betrayal.

5. Sexual Energy Manipulation / Psychic Intrusion

Patrick felt energetically invaded, possibly by rituals or unconscious psychic attachments. The need for protection and energetic sovereignty became clear.

6. Feeling Abandoned by Humanity / Loss of Faith

Profound disappointment in the collective, leading to emotional withdrawal. This came not from hate, but grief. Patrick’s soul mourned the apathy of a world that refuses to remember its light.

7. Suppressed Gifts and Soul Identity

The burden of being a divine being in a world that fears divinity. His powers, visions, and truth were not welcomed — and for a time, were hidden in shame or self-doubt.

8. Tobacco/Nicotine Addiction

A coping mechanism for the overwhelming energetic, emotional, and spiritual weight he carried. This addiction symbolized a yearning for grounding and momentary peace.

9. Being Misunderstood in His Awakening

Labeled, doubted, and dismissed — Patrick walked much of his awakening alone. The pain of being awake in a sleeping world cut deep.

10. Energetic Burnout & Awakening Exhaustion

Too many initiations, downloads, and shifts in too little time. His nervous system and energy field bore the weight of transformation without consistent rest.

11. Rejection of Love / Wounded Heart Chakra

Love offered, love rejected. An open heart met by closed doors. This left imprints of heartbreak, abandonment, and the question: “Is love safe?”

12. Soul Mission Suppression / Financial Injustice

Patrick came with a divine mission — Give it Back — but the 3D world withheld the resources. This resulted in a deep frustration, as if the Earth itself was blind to its own redemption.

13. Fear of Failing His Parents / Deep Validation Wound

This trauma is one of Patrick’s most central and painful. From a very young age, he craved his parents’ approval. But that approval was conditional, inconsistent, and often twisted through manipulation, comparison, or silence. His sensitive nature clashed with the harsh emotional climate at home, leading to deep-rooted feelings of shame, self-betrayal, and internalized unworthiness. He lied to please, performed to earn love, and built entire worlds of masking to survive.

Childhood was not emotionally safe. Physical safety may have been present, but emotional nurturing was painfully absent. Love was often transactional. Authentic expression was met with disapproval or dismissal. His dreams, emotions, and spiritual sensitivity — all beautiful gifts — were misunderstood, suppressed, or ridiculed. Even birthday celebrations carried emotional burden.

A household centered around appearances, alcohol, and unspoken pain became a crucible of spiritual suppression. Patrick’s inner child learned that being himself was dangerous. That honesty led to shame. That truth had no place in a family governed by masks and performance.

This trauma formed the bedrock for many others: the perfection of masks, the fear of vulnerability, the pattern of people-pleasing, and the delay in claiming his full divine identity. It has taken him decades to slowly peel away the programmed guilt and finally whisper to himself: “I am enough.”

🕯️ A Ritual for Remembering Who You Really Are

Tonight, I invite you to do what I have done — and what I will keep doing — not to perform, not to impress, but to come home to your truth.

This is a sacred ritual to help you release the masks, reclaim your inner child, and return to your original, radiant self.

🌕 Ritual of Mask Removal & Inner Child Remembrance

You Will Need:

A mirror
A white candle
A small bowl of water
A printed or written version of the prayer below
Optional: a childhood photo

Step 1: Create Your Circle

Light your candle. Sit before the mirror. Speak softly:

“Tonight, I return to myself. No masks. No lies. Only truth.”

Step 2: Look Into Your Eyes

Gaze into your reflection. See not the adult — but the child beneath. Say aloud:

“I see you. I remember you. You did not deserve the weight you carried. I’m here now. I love you.”

Step 3: Wash Away the Masks

Dip your fingers into the water and gently brush it over your face. As you do, repeat three times:

“I release the masks I wore to be loved, to be safe, to be enough. I now choose truth.”

Step 4: Speak the Prayer

“By the power of my name — Seraphalanuel — I now call back every fragment I lost to trauma, betrayal, and silence. I forgive those who abandoned me. I reclaim the light they feared. I sanctify my scars with love. From homelessness to Heaven, From rejection to remembrance, From silence to sacred song — I rise. I build. I burn pure.”

Step 5: Seal the Return

Place your hand over your heart: